i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
birth control should be required to get into college
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Damn victory sex feels great
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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