i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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