Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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