Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
