Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
