Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
