Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
