I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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