Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So vagazzling was a success
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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