Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
