Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
