Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
