I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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