Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
