You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
