Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
