I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
