Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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