i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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