tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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