What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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