fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
