He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
