Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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