Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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