It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My vagina is officially offended.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
