I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
