Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
