so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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