So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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