also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
