I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
