I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
