my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
