Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
