can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
