So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
