is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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