just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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