I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
