pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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