Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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