i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
