Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
