I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
