its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
