when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
