i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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