I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
