Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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